Comparative Badsongology
Back on September 1, I proclaimed LFO’s “Summer Girls” to be “the worst hit song ever recorded.” This prompted a friend to ask “Creed v. LFO-which is worse?” I wasn’t really familiar with the LFO’s work beyond “Summer Girls.” It turns out, though, that there are LFO non-hits that are substantially worse than their big hit. Consider, for example, “Girl on TV”:
I’m not saying that forcing detainees to listen to that song would be a war crime, but the ACLU would probably see it that way. And the less said about this one the better. On the other hand, even though “West Side Story” is arguably the weakest musically, it’s lyrics are a kind of mind-blowing postmodernist pastiche triumph. Consider the intertextual implications of “It reminds me of Romeo and Juliet / Like we’re living on a movie set” in the context of a song with that title. Slavoy Zizek should do some work with this subject.
45 Responses to “Comparative Badsongology”
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October 21st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Hmmm… what is “bad”, what is “good”. Maybe you should listen to The Shaggs and realize that it’s all meaningless.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
No way. The worst ever was Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Actually the LFO song “Every Other Time” became one of my favorites because it perfectly described a relationship with my highschool sweetheart.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I watched about 20 seconds of the LFO clip and I think it exists in order to make video shorts by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake that much funnier.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
My gawd those are terrifyingly bad. The rip in the time-space continuum caused by the horror of those things is permitting Cthulhu to enter our reality!
October 21st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Slavoj Zizek should resign his posts and the organizations that employ him should instead spend the money on natural science.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
There’s bloody American exceptionalism for you! There is only one genuine LFO and it ain’t American!
October 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
The guy from LFO did end up dating Jennifer Love Hewitt for a while after writing this song so that has to count as a win on some level, even if the song itself is pretty awful.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh my God that is crap! I’m in awe. I feel like I did right after finishing Blood Meridian, but the exact opposite.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:58 pm
[...] all songwriters now Jump to Comments LFO is worse that Creed. Period. Also bad, [...]
October 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
gay gay gay!
oh and 13 year old girl…
October 21st, 2009 at 4:01 pm
“Slavoy”? Are you lazy, dumb, or both?
October 21st, 2009 at 4:02 pm
The worst three songs of all time:
1) “My Heart Will Go On” performed by Celine Dion
2) “MacArthur Park” (either version)
3) “I Will Always Love You” as covered by Whitney Houston
Since anyone can record an absolutely terrible song that will never see the light of day, I think an important metric with respect to the awfulness of songs, or their performers, is the amount of airplay they get: the Total Awfulness of a Song (TAS) should be:
(awfulness of one listen of the song) x (amount of airplay it got on station N) x (Arbitron ratings of station N)
Summed up over all N, of course.
(Yes, I’m a geek. Deal.)
The total awfulness of a particular performer or group (TAP) would be obtained by summing up TAS over the collected works of that performer or group.
I’m thinking the Bee Gees win this one, with Barry Manilow coming in second.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Dude, how about you never post LFO songs ever again? The vicarious embarrassment practically reduced me to tears.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
“Slavoy”? Are you lazy, dumb, or both?
Lazy, yes. Dumb, certainly not, but ignorant w/r/t Slovenian orthography.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
The worst three songs of all time:
. . .
3) “I Will Always Love You” as covered by Whitney Houston
I agree. But you have to admit that the original Dolly version is amazing!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Matt, I couldn’t agree more with you about parliamentary systems versus presidential systems, or LFO versus Creed. You are truly a scholar and a gentleman!
October 21st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Careful, Matt, or the guy from LFO will come in here and wine at you some more.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Er, whine, not wine.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I just listened to portions of all three linked LFO songs, and yes, this was the worst 3-song collection I’ve ever been subjected to (I could get through more than a third of any one song, to be honest).
Well, done, Matt, for making a case and backing it up with links! You’ve sold me on LFO being the worst band of all time.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I think you guys are looking at this the wrong way. In comparing bad songs you’re using an unfair standard to determine the worst. Groups like LFO automatically disqualify because there is no expectation for them to be good. The truly bad songs are the ones released by artists who used to be good…because not only are they bad in absolute terms, they’re also bad because they constantly remind you that the artists in question actually used to make good music. In this vein – and because they’re fresh on my mind – I nominate “Pork and Beans” by Weezer or anything from The Allman Brothers Band after the “Brothers and Sisters” album but before the “Seven Turns” album.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:39 pm
If you were expecting “Pork and Beans” to be good, you must have thought that “Beverly Hills” and “We Are All on Drugs” were good. For which I condemn you to Hell.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Please quit hating on LFO. Rich Cronin is the man, he met and dated Jennifer Love Hewitt when he was an unknown kid from Boston performing for 10 year old little girls at the local shopping mall. He should get an award for doing as well as he did (plus he is now a cancer survivor). Yes, the lyrics suck, but in the genre of RnB pop, it’s pretty standard stuff. Now Creed on the other hand…that is truly wretched blech.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:48 pm
This is certainly a putrid piece of shit! Next time instead of listening, I’ll just take your word for it.
October 21st, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I like the girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch. I think it’s fly when the girls stop by for the summer. For the summer.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I thought “Beverly Hills” was lousy and was pleasantly surprised with the return to form that was “Pork and Beans.”
October 21st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I’m with Seth @23. LFO is standard issue lame white R&B–it’s not an exceptionally bad example of that genre. Creed on the other hand tried to ruin rock and roll and Nickelback is now continuing their devilish work.
I’ve also probably heard this LFO song maybe once before I abused my ears this time. But the stench of Creed has filled up the nostrils of many, many more people. That should matter.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Shoobie-doo-wop and Scooby snacks? Oh, that’s stuck now.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
“Slavoy”? Are you lazy, dumb, or both?
Dumb. Just stone-cold stupid. I’m obsessed with correct spelling, but I’m not nearly smart enough to figure out how to do it.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
And it’s Yglesias FTW!
October 21st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
well played, Matt.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:34 pm
i’m liable to think you lost some bet whereby you’re at someone’s mercy in terms of the content of your blog postings. 2 LFO youtube clips? not right dude. let dead bad musical history lie buried and unremembered. as it is you resurrect it in the minds of many who are your captive audiences.
this shit is NOT what RSS feeds are for. LFO isn’t funny. it’s the apotheosis of late 90s boy-bands, and in a bad way.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:35 pm
perhaps these post are by jennifer palmieri and she’s playing a joke on matt?
October 21st, 2009 at 8:57 pm
My expectations dropped significantly after “Hash Pipe” and most of The Green Album. But “Pork and Beans” is such a far fall from “In the Garage” that I felt it an apt choice.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Don’t forget the LFO/MOP collabo from the Dr. Doolittle soundtrack.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Really, the worst song ever is “Kokomo”. What makes it the worst isn’t just that the song is horrible. It’s also that The Beach Boys had been MIA for about 20 years. They came back and dropped that terrible song, then disappeared again. It’s like a sonic drive by.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I think there may be a reason why I don’t follow the pop charts anymore. I’m not getting how anyone can get worked up enough over music this bland to be angry with it. And, no, I’m not going to the trouble of reading the lyrics. If they want me to listen to the lyrics, put them to music more distinctive than Chicago traffic murmur filtered through brick and wallboard.
Now, “Seasons in the Son,” “You Light Up My Life,” “Chevy Van,” and “Muskrat Love” were songs that could make you punch frantically at the buttons on the car radio in the middle of a rollover accident . . .
October 21st, 2009 at 10:48 pm
low-tech cyclist I’m with you on your top 3 worst.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:26 am
Well I guess I contraried myself into irrelevance on the blog but oh well.
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:59 am
I love Patti Smith’s version of “You Light Up My Life.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Agl4IvNnQPo
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:44 am
OK, i just watched a few secs of the video. It’s music for little girls, which doesn’t happen to be my demographic. That’s all there is to say.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:57 am
Despite Matt’s best efforts the reigning tag team champions of suck remain…
Poison’s Unskinny Bop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHqoBlQ7mW8
and
White Lion’s When the Children Cry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HEQq4Dirxs
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:11 am
After all, are any of those LFO songs likely to be sung kareoke by a drunk sucking down a Pina Colada?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVdhZwK7cS8
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Um, yeah, in college I got dragged to a concert by a friend that included LFO as the opening act. So, speaking as the only guy on this thread who actually saw this trainwreck unfold live and in-person, I can testify that it was truly one the most painful musical experience of my line, partially because the dudes literally kept interrupting their weird dance-offs to hit on 14-year-old girls in the audience and partially because of their incredible awfulness.
OK … to cleanse myself now, I need some Waylon.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
@Sean matthews
No way. The worst ever was Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks.
Yeah, but the Too Much Joy cover of that song is AWESOME.