Nov 22nd, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Panda Attack
Via Brian Beutler, a tale of a near-deadly panda attack:
[T]he student was bitten on the arms and legs. Two foreign visitors who saw the attack ran to get help from workers at a nearby refreshment stand, who notified park officials, the employee said.
The student was pale as he was taken away by medics but appeared clear-headed, he said.“Yang Yang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him. I didn’t expect he would attack,” the 20-year-old student, surnamed Liu, said in a local hospital, according to the official Xinhua News Agency.
Attacks aside, pandas are super-cute. A photo from my last trip to the zoo:
No attacks that afternoon.
65 Responses to “Panda Attack”
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November 22nd, 2008 at 5:13 pm
thing is, matt, no one could mistake you for bamboo.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
A few years ago, when I was traveling almost every week, I managed to see every panda on exhibit in the country in the space of seven days (San Diego, Atlanta, Washington). You make up these little games to keep from going insane in the airport. Anyway, the people in Atlanta told me that the zookeepers never go in to examine the pandas unless they’ve been sedated. They just don’t know their own strength and can twist your head right off. Cute, though.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:26 pm
those things can put away some bamboo.
I don’t think it’s that they don’t know their own strength, it’s just that pandas think twisting a person’s head off is inconsequential.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
also, can i just say that mr. liu’s behavior may not have been above reproach?
“Yang Yang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him.”
sure, buddy–that’s what most predators say. you just wanted to look at his yang yang, sure.
fact is, the accused “attacker” may have been acting in self-defense. yang yang may merely have been fending off another crazed would-be panda-rapist.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:50 pm
c’mon kid, lookin’ all cute like yhat you know that Yang Yang wanted it.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:55 pm
sure, barry.
further proof that there’s no taste so depraved but someone will panda to it.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Gee, a panda is a bear!
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
DJ beat me to it by 15 minutes.
Cute perhaps. It’s still a BEAR.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
We don’t have Pandas out here. But we do have Buffalo. And tourists seem to think they are cute and peaceful, too. And the results are often fatal to the tourists. Here’s a hint: if animal weighs more than three times what you do, don’t mess with them. And a better hint: if the animal’s mother weighs more than three times what you do, you REALLY don’t want to mess with them. Bear cubs are cute, but stay away.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:36 pm
“It’s still a BEAR.”
Bears are very beautiful animals and you can actually get near them. They only attack when they feel threatened. But there are three rules:
1- Don’t ever touch a bear
2- Don’t get in between a bear and the food it wants, even if it’s your food.
3- Don’t ever, ever, ever get in between a mother and her cub.
Oh, and there’s another thing to consider. Bears know what a cooler is and know damn well that it contains food. If they see a cooler in your car, they’ll rip a door clean off to get to it. And for them, removing a car door is as easy as it is for us to open a beer can. Don’t get in their way.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Yang Yang has allowed to live.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Yang Yang.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
fostert, you forgot:
4- sexually harassment is a strict no-no.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:58 pm
“4- sexually harassment is a strict no-no.”
That would certainly be a no-no. I kind of included that in the “don’t touch” thing.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:13 pm
fostert, perhaps you should amend that to “no bad touching.”
BTW re that TSA thread a few days ago: where did you you hide your stash when you were searched but they didn’t find it?
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Yah what Barry said, fostert. Still wondering about that.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:43 pm
“fostert, perhaps you should amend that to “no bad touching.””
Umm, no, you don’t want to touch them at all. It’s pretty much impossible to determine which kind of touching a bear will think is appropriate. And if they don’t think it’s appropriate, you’re dead.
“BTW re that TSA thread a few days ago: where did you you hide your stash when you were searched but they didn’t find it?”
In a dirty sock. They meticulously went through all my clothes, but when they got to the dirty socks and underwear, they just put them aside, and then meticulously went through the rest of the clothes. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that. One simple motion was the difference between my freedom and a felony charge. Woohoo! I should note that that trick may not work anymore. I certainly won’t try it again. I can go months without pot, so it’s not worth it.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
“In a dirty sock.”
I guess I should note that I have unusually bad foot odor. You really don’t want to get anywhere near my dirty socks. Serious bio-hazard.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
And I’ll add this:
Everyone in the world has their story of the craziest thing they ever did. I have hundreds of them. All of which would be the craziest story in the lives of almost anyone. You may think Hunter Thompson’s stories were crazy, but I think they were tame. I’ve done much crazier things. I’m forty years old now, and a lot of people are surprised that I lived this long. And for good reason. I shouldn’t be alive. But it’s beautiful now. If I die tomorrow, I’ll die knowing that I lived a life so intense that few people can even dream of it. I doubt I’ll live to fifty, but I’ll die knowing that I lived an amazing life. I’ve already put ten lives worth of experience into this life. Hopefully, the next one will be even better.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
thanks for that fostert. You clearly need to start a blog.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
it’s just that pandas think twisting a person’s head off is inconsequential
Well it is, pretty much. Once the spinal column is snapped there’s really nothing but flesh holding on the head.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
i agree with all the “don’t mess with bears” advice.
except for the part about pandas being bears.
unless science has changed its mind again, pandas are not bears.
still, the reasons for not molesting them carry over all the same.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
well, fuck me. science changed its mind again.
shoulda checked the wiki first.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
While it was thought for a while that pandas were not members of the ursine family, through genetic testing it has been concluded that they are in fact bears. Distant relatives, but family is family and as such they are part of the #1 threat to America demographic.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Clearly the was negligent in failing to prominently post any “Please don’t rape the bears” signs.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
um, the zoo was negligent
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:31 pm
“unless science has changed its mind again, pandas are not bears”
It appears they have. I had to look it up because I’m not a biologist. And the current theory is that they are bears. Yes, they are closely related to raccoons, but raccoons are just little bears. I’ve tangled with a few raccoons in my life, and they are really nasty animals. But at least they’re small. They won’t kill you, but you won’t kill them, either. There are two secrets to raccoons. They hate water, so you can chase them away with a garden hose. And they have very strong maternal instincts. The mother will cooperate if you hold her kids hostage. And trust me, I didn’t harm her kids. I just made it clear that she needed to take them elsewhere. And she did. And we were all cool with that. I really try not to harm any animal, but they can’t stay in my house if they’re not paying rent. Except for spiders. I’ll always let them stay. I have a Brown Recluse living in my shower. Every morning, I pick her up and put her in the sink. And when I’m done with my shower, I put her back. But I do it very gently. I’ve been bitten by one of those, and trust me, you don’t want that. You’ll live, but you’ll wish you didn’t. And that was six years ago, and I still have the scar.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 pm
barry freed sez “free da bears!”
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
You know it, kid. I guess that makes me “objectively pro-bear”.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Nobody? Nobody?
Alright, I guess I’ll have to step up
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
You should be pro-bear. They are beautiful animals that deserve to exist. Just don’t f**k with them. They’re a lot stronger than you. For a bear, killing you is like swatting a fly. In the end, only elephants deserve more respect.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
And hippos, fostert. Don’t forget the hippos. (Seriously, they kill more people in Africa than lions.)
And I’ve always had an affinity for bears. They’re kind of like my totem animal.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 pm
you sure it’s your totem, rather than say a demon or a jinn?
barry freed=bear ifrit?
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 pm
“4- sexually harassment is a strict no-no.”
As a wise panda once said:
—–
Worth noting that Matt has now been wrong about the Iraq war, the Detroit loan guarantees, and the passivity of pandas.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I think the shorter list would be what Matt has been right on … crickets … crickets …. crickets …
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 pm
ha, that’s pretty damn good, kid. Especially considering that I’m an Islamicist. (as you know: Islamicist!=Islamist)
——-
And that panda’s name is “Petey”
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 pm
“And hippos, fostert.’
Hippos are cool. And very dangerous. They also have a remarkable ability of being able to hear equally well through water and air. They are the only mammal that can do that. But they aren’t very smart. Bears are really smart. And elephants have a level of intelligence that’s downright scary. They bury their dead and come back to visit those graves. That’s more than just sentience. And talk about strength? Any animal that will just rip a tree out just because it’s in it’s way has scary strength. It’s no wonder that lions run away when they see an elephant. But elephants will cooperate with humans. They seem to respect intelligence. But when humans are stupid, elephants leave. When the tsunami hit, no elephants died. They broke their chains and ran for the hills. And then they helped with the cleanup. I don’t really know why elephants like us so much, but we should be glad they do.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 pm
One hopes the Chinese are mature enough to rise above the response that would inevitably occur in a ‘developed’ country, namely ‘the animal involved in the attack was subsequently put down’.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 pm
no elephants died in the tsunami?
i think they must have planned the whole job.
and you think they like us. don’t make me laugh.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Isn’t it obvious? The elephants are in cahoots with the bears! And what is a hippo if not the bastard hybrid spawn of some sick, perverted elephant/bear sexual congress? we’re doomed, I tell you. Doomed.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 pm
This victim, as a Chinese collage student, really should know that pandas are bears. The proper name of pandas in Chinese means literally CAT BEAR although the usual way it is called is an exact reverse as in BEAR CAT.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:46 pm
“and you think they like us. don’t make me laugh.”
Well, I’ve met a lot of elephants in my day. They can do whatever they damn well please. If they have a problem with their owner, they can kill him in a second. Okay, maybe ten seconds, but that’s it. Those chains that are supposed to control them? An elephant can just kick their leg and break them. If they don’t like us, why do they put up with us? They surely don’t have to. But they do. I think they put up with us because they are fascinated with us. We’re the only animal they’ve met that is smarter than them (but not by much). And they think that’s cool. If they didn’t think it was cool, they’d try to kill us, and they’d be extinct.
“no elephants died in the tsunami?”
No. So which animal is smarter?
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:27 am
“in Chinese means literally CAT BEAR”
Wow. Didn’t know that. But cats are really dangerous. Pound for pound, cats are the most dangerous animals. Think about it, do you really want to face a 90 pound cat? That’s about half my weight, and I wouldn’t stand a chance against one of those. Fortunately, they scare really easy, and I’ve always been able to chase them away. But if it ever came to a fight, I’d lose quickly. But if you knew an animal was called a cat-bear, you’d surely stay away. Cats and bears are really dangerous. But then again, if you see an animal as big as a Panda and still want to touch it, there’s something really wrong with you. Big should override cute. And if it doesn’t, then you’re dead.
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:19 am
We should probably ban all stuffed animals and Disney movies because people are too stupid to realize the difference.
November 23rd, 2008 at 8:31 am
Don’t mess with a Wampus Cat either! http://www.americanfolklore.net/folktales/tn3.html
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 am
Fostert,
Raccoons’ nearest relatives are skunks, weasels, and possibly the Red Panda. They’re distantly related to the bears, but no more than any of those other families.
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:32 am
What makes an animal “cute” is well known empirically, mostly from ethologists: large round head, foreshortened snout, big wide-open eyes (simulated in the panda by eye patches), fuzzy rather than sleek fur, short limbs. These are infant characteristics, which presumably stimulate maternal/paternal reactions.
There should probably be signs in zoos and other places where adult animals with these characteristics are kept, pointing out that they are not really harmless and cuddly infants.
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I cannot believe I almost didn’t read this thread. Seriously fostert, start a blog.
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
So I guess is not actually true that Imposing Bear is the Best Friend.
November 24th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Does that panda have a green card or is it an illegal immigrant?
I haven’t been to DC lately, but ten years ago I was spotted in Rock Creek Park.
Native Bear
December 20th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Pandas are surely bears. At least one guy might have been dumb. Koala Bears aren’t bears, but marcupials.
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